Awakening
by UrusVerra
Summary: Ashley Williams had been down since Shepard's death. Only a real miracle can help her to straighten up. Happens a few months after "Emptiness".  Feel free to review and criticise


A young woman silently sneaked into the kitchen. She didn't want anyone in the house to catch her there, so she moved quickly. In a few steps she reached a bar, opened it and then her hand almost seized a bottle...

"Ashley!"

The light turned on. Ash almost jumped out of surprise; she turned and found her sister standing in the doorway.

"My God, Lynn, you're like a ghost..." Lynn crossed her arms and stared at Ashley, rebukingly. "Stop looking at me like that, okay?"

"Ash, it's the third time this week!" Lynn was frustrated. She came to the bar and closed it with loud knock. "Stop it!"

"Stop what?"

"Stop acting like some military-alcoholic, who can't act like a marine!" Lynn was clearly mad at Ash, but when her eyes met her sister's, she softened. "Look, Ashie, you better go to bed."

Ashley grinned sadly.

"Says who? Remember, I'm the elder sister here."

"You're lucky it's me and not mum, who caught ya." Lynn pointed out. Ash hesitated for a second and said:

"Okay, I'll go sleeping. Goodnight then?" she gazed at sister, waiting for her to leave.

"U-huh."- Lynn smirked. "Don't expect to fool me, sis. I won't settle down until I see you napping."

Ash sighted and shook her head.

"This is stupid." she headed towards the door.

"Throwing your life away _is_ stupid. Caring about my sister isn't." Lynn countered.

In silence they tiptoed to Ashley's bedroom. Though it was actually small, it seemed spacious, because Ash kept a constant order there even in messy last months.

Once the Normandy blew up in space and Shepard was tagged as 'MIA', the truth he had uncovered was hidden once again and Ash had fallen in some kind of moral coma. At first she tried to keep contact with her former teammates, but then one by one they suddenly vanished. Last to disappear was Joker, who left the Alliance the same day he was grounded. Ash wondered where he was, but the dashing helmsman hadn't contacted her since then.

Ashley had tried to retire from the military as well. She had sent numerous reports to her superiors, but there had been no answer. And every week there were other messages about her shore leave being prolonged. She knew it was Anderson, keeping an eye on her. But she didn't care.

She even started to drink, and her family became worried. Ash moved to her mother's house and lived with her youngest sisters – Sarah and Lynn. Here, she lost sense of time – every day she tried to be cheerful and sober for her family, yet every night her thoughts returned to Shepard. And then in her nightmares she again was back aboard the Normandy, reliving the moment, when she left her commander behind...

Ash laid down on the bed and gazed at her sister, who was looking at her terminal. Lynn read:

_From: ._

_To: ._

_Chief,_

_I need to see you on the Citadel in three days. It's urgent. I can't tell you more, not in this e-mail._

_I understand your condition and unwillingness to continue your military career. But this is where you have to be, this is where others need you to be._

_Meet you in the Udina's office,_

_Anderson._

_P.S.: Sincerely hope that you don't delete massages before reading them._

"Quit reading my mail, sis." Ash yawned. Lynn gazed at her.

"This one is different."

"What do you mean?" Ash wasn't really in the mood to discuss the e-mails Anderson had been sending her for last two months. But it was Anderson's latest email that made Ash want to drink that night.

"Well, previous ones were more about Alliance and military, but this..."

"This one is about the same: the Alliance on Earth, the Alliance on the Citadel... The Alliance is the same everywhere." Ashley yawned again and closed her eyes. " _'...where others need you to be...'_ - I bet he wanted to say _'...where Shepard would have wanted you to be...'_."

Lynn switched off the terminal and sat on the edge of the bed. Then she looked at her sister.

"You don't want to go? Even for him?"

"No, I won't go. Because of what they did to him." Ashley's eyes were closed, but she could bet Lynn was shaking her head accusingly.

They remained silent for a minute or so. Ashley didn't sleep. She felt that conversation wasn't over yet. Finally, Lynn quietly spoke:

"You really loved him, didn't you?"

Ashley froze. She never told anyone about her relationship with Shepard – not even her sisters. Now she was caught off guard.

"Why... How did you know?" - Ash decided that acting as if she doesn't understand would be foolish. Lynn gestured towards the pile of books, which were on Ashley's table.

"You're reading these books every day, I don't remember you being like this since dad passed. And, damn, you want to give up your career! You! Ashley Williams, for whom her uniform and boomstick always meant more than everything else!"

Ash smirked.

"I'm not that bad."

"You are!" Lynn insisted. "You worked your ass off to serve the Alliance and to be better than the best. And now you're giving up. I can't see how there'd any explanation other than you were in love with your... Um, Shepard," Lynn finished awkwardly; she wanted to say 'your commander,' but thought it wouldn't really suit the relationship that was between two.

"_My_ Shepard, eh?" Ash tried to cheer up, but she felt something twist painfully in her chest.

"You know what I mean." Lynn deadpanned. She remained silent for a little and then continued. "So you _did_ love him?"

Ashley groaned. She was in no mood to discuss it. She was tired.

"Sis, it's complicated."

"Did _he_ love... Or, okay, at least cared about you?"

Ash didn't answer. This question made the pain unbearable. The fact that she lost the man whom she loved was bad enough. But the thought, that she lost the man who also loved her, was even worse.

"If he cared, he wouldn't leave me." Ash said, immediately regretting it. It was dishonest, unfair. She _knew_ Shepard cared. And that's why he sent Williams in the damned escape pod, instead of allowing her to remain and help.

Lynn sighed and stood up. She went to the door and, before leaving the room, spoke:

"He never left you."

Ashley didn't answer. She knew what her sister meant. Ash recalled what she told Shepard about her father: _"He is probably still watching, though..." _She wondered if Shepard was watching her – somehow this idea never came to her before. With these thoughts, Ash fell asleep...

Ashley turned around, but she couldn't see anything. The white fog around was so dense, that she could barely breath. She wasn't even sure if she was breathing.

"Creepy," Ash thought, trying to scratch back of her head. Then sudden realization knocked her of balance – she had no body. The sensation was frightening and though she tried to move her limbs, she understood that she didn't have any.

Suddenly the fog vanished, as if it had never existed. Ash found herself in her bedroom, standing in front of her bed. And there she saw it – her body. As tough as Ash, being a marine, was, she was absolutely terrified at the moment.

"Did I die?" she thought, unwilling to accept it. Then something distracted her.

A door opened and someone came into the room. The visitor was a tall man who wore a casual Alliance outfit. His skin was swarthy and his hair, once black, now had gray patches in it. His facial features were strong, in some places even sharp, but he was handsome. Ashley recognized the man.

"Dad?" she tried to speak, but no sound came out of her mouth – not that she had one. She stood just in front of the visitor, but he didn't pay attention to her. He slowly came to her bed and sat on its edge. Then he gently pushed curl of Ashley's hair off her face.

"Hi, honey," he said, his voice warm and quiet. Ash became nervous.

"Dad, I'm... What the hell's happening? Where am I, why... Dad?" he didn't hear her.

"How have you been?" he asked. His tone was unamused. He knew how had she been.

Then Ashley suddenly realized he wasn't addressing to her, he was addressing to her body. Serviceman Williams didn't even know that his girl was standing right next to him. Ash was now a speechless observer – unable to move, unable to make her presence clear. Unable to do anything. But it didn't bother Ash. She beheld her father with her eyes, comparing him with her memory. He was the same as she remembered him in his last months – a tough, unbreakable bastard, who proudly served the Alliance his whole life and got nothing in return.

Her father was sitting on the bed and softly caressing her head. But Ash felt tension coming from him – it was in his body language, in his gaze. He was waiting for someone.

The door behind Ash opened, she froze. She didn't even look at the door, but she recognized the sound of the steps that followed.

"Shepard..." she breathed out. Her dad turned to the door.

"Commander," he spoke. Ashley finally looked at the newcomer.

Shepard stood in the room, arms behind his back. He wore the uniform he always wore aboard the Normandy. He was still and seemed to be relaxed – Ash never saw him like that, neither while they were tracking down Saren nor after Sovereign had been defeated. On duty he was always concentrated, straight, he barely let his guard off during the moments they were alone. Before her now stood not the Commander Shepard she knew, but the one she had always desired to.

"I hope you'll excuse me for not greeting you properly, commander," her father said quietly; he didn't even stand up. "I don't want to disturb my daughter."

"I understand, sir," answered Shepard. He gazed at the bed where Ashley was 'sleeping' and she saw pain in his gaze. This pain came to her.

"Skipper..." she whispered, though she knew he wouldn't hear her.

Silence hung in the room. Two soldiers were looking at Ash, both thinking their own thoughts. In the meantime, she was looking at both of them, almost trying to eat them both with her gaze. Finally, the elder marine spoke.

"She wants to give up her career."

"I know," Shepard came closer, so he could see the face of the dreaming woman. Ash saw fondness on his face and the place, where her heart must have been, hurt.

"She is desperate," Williams sighed. Shepard hung his head.

"We can't do anything now." he answered ssoftly. Elder marine smirked.

"You could," now he was looking directly at Shepard. The commander looked straight in the elder man's eyes.

"Sir, I know I'm the only one to blame for everything that happened to her. God knows, I never wanted this for her," he straightened up. "But if I could go back to that moment, I'd still choose to stay. I won't tell you it was the right thing to do, but I had to do it. I had to save my crew."

Williams shook his head.

"Commander, you don't have to tell me anything. I _know_ you made the right decision. And Ash knows that as well."

The elder marine stood up and came to the desk. He took the book, which was lying on top of it and opened it where it was bookmarked. A smile appeared on his face.

"I can't believe she still reads this stuff," he shook his head again. "That's my favorite..." Williams cleared his throat. "_I cannot rest from travel..._"

"..._I will drink life to the lees: all times I have enjoyed greatly, have suffered greatly, both with those that loved me, and alone..._" continued Shepard. Williams grinned.

"I didn't want her to suffer," said the commander. "I would never wanted this."

"Neither would I," The elder marine put the opened book on the desk. Shepard sat on the bed and looked at sleeping woman. Ash was dying to know what he was thinking about.

"There is a strange thing about you, commander," Williams pronounced as he crossed his arms. "You passed away a while back, but you're still _connected_ to the world. Why?"

Shepard shrugged.

"I don't know, I just... I can't leave. Not that I want to, anyway."

"I don't think it's about your willingness. It's like... Like somebody is constantly trying to pull you back," Shepard smirked. Ash saw sadness in his eyes.

"I wouldn't mind returning, not like anyone ever has though."

"Lazarus did," Williams deadpanned. Shepard laughed quietly.

"I'm not Lazarus."

"We'll see," The old marine muttered. The commander didn't hear, but Ash did – what did dad mean?

Shepard had something on his mind. He hesitated for a moment, then leaned forward and whispered into Ashley's ear. Though Ash wasn't "in herself", she somehow felt his warm breath.

"Ash, I never left you. I always will be with you..." then he smiled suddenly. "And don't dare to give up your life, marine. That's an order."

"Aye, aye, Skipper," Ash tried to sound confident, but she felt as every fiber of her soul was still numbed at her loss.

Serviceman Williams came to Shepard and placed his palm on the commander's shoulder.

"Come on, son. We should go."

Within seconds, the white fog enveloped Ash and she drowned in it.

Ashley woke up the next morning. As she looked around, she remembered everything that happened the night before. Unsure what it was: a dream or something else, Ash came to the desk and switched the terminal on. Then her gaze caught something unusual.

The book. Ash could bet she closed it yesterday after reading. Now it was opened.

"_Alfred Lord Tennyson. Ulysses._" read Ashley. She felt her head going round. She leaned on the table and tried to concentrate. Then she straightened up and typed on the terminal:

_From: ._

_To: ._

_I'll be there._

_Williams._

Quickly, she packed up everything she needed and headed to the door. She had her order. Now she was ready to carry it out.


End file.
